New Life.

I have wonderul news. My car is alive and well, thanks to my new hero, Joe Patterson. This Air Force mechanic/Jack-of-all-trades helped me (well, he did it and i held the light) take out my fuel injectors and clean them by hand, which completely corrected my engine hesitation and misfire. AND i put on my new Ram Air intake yesterday which boosted my baby's HP! I ordered some new exterior mods last night (Altezza tails and chrome grille inserts). She's going to rock!

p.s. i'm not obsessed, i just like her. and as of today, she's officially paid for!

Breakfast burritos=broken nose.

I haven't posted any peculiar claims in awhile, mostly because the volume has increased dramatically in the past two weeks and most have them have been fairly routine. However, there is one that is totally bizarre, thus enjoyable.

Here's the setup-guy in his 50's is on his way to jury duty and picks up a couple of breakfast burritos for the road. He drives about an hour and on the way, he begins to develop that good ole' fashion feeling deep in his bowels that says, something bad is coming very VERY soon. As soon as he gets to his hotel room, things get ugly. Butt, he believes everything is out of his system so he heads to the court house.

The queasiness lasts throughout the morning and from the sound of it, he utilized each break from session to visit the lavatory for additional "evacuation." He didn't eat anything for lunch and returned to the court room for the afternoon hearings. Around 2pm he couldn't stand it any longer and excused himself. Upon entering the restroom and closing the door behind him, he reached to flip on the lights. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a dark room and feeling his way around the floor to get his bearings. He found the toilet and crawled up to it and then turned on the lights. To his amazement, he discovered he was covered in blood. Apparently as soon as he shut the door he passed out, hitting his face on the wall and ultimately the floor, breaking his nose.

Other jurors found him in the restroom as he was trying to gain his strength and composure and called an ambulance. It is still unclear as to what caused the blackout, but my "expert" opinion is it was not the burritos. Fun story, nonetheless.

Thoughts on "The DaVinci Code"

So I saw the movie last night. First impression-decent movie, entertaining, and a little long. Most exciting film I've ever seen-not by a long shot. Most compelling Tom Hanks performance-no. Story line-interesting but the end was very predictable. Will this movie cause viewers to question the divinity of Jesus? Maybe-but only if they are completely uninformed of the fictional aspects of this story.

Do I think this is a disastrous blow to the Church? If Tom Cruise and his scientology and Madonna and her Kabbalah only cause people to view them as crazy, I'm pretty confident that a lackluster movie by Opie Taylor is not a threat. Calm down Catholics, it's all good in the hood.

Cougar makes his first kill-almost.

When I got home from the gym last night my roommate, Tom, ran up to my room in a very excited state. He told me a magical tale...

He was in the kitchen making dinner when he noticed that my cat, Cougar, was transfixed on something outside the large glass door that leads to the patio. This is not a rare occurrence, but he was completely motionless, poised in the attack pose. Tom cautiously moved to the door to see what the object of his attention was. To his surprise, he saw two chipmunks having a conversation under the gas grill.

A wild thought entered his mind...what would Cougar do if his housecat temperament was shed for a few moments in "the wild." Curiosity got the best of him (like a cat) and Tom slowly opened the door. Cougar bolted through the crack and like a streak of lightning and before he realized what had happened, my voracious predator had subdued one of the little critters. Engulfing its entire head with his massive jaws, the limp body dangled below, the tail bushed out in shock. Cougar turned and tried to bring his kill back into the house and Tom quickly shut the door in utter disbelief. A sudden feeling of guilt washed over Tom, like he had just participated in a homicide. This feeling quickly faded however as he instinctively yelled for Jason to get his camera to capture this prime photo opportunity.

Jason came running! But apparently Cougar's mouthful was making it hard to breath because he set down the carcass and turned to look proudly back at Tom over his shoulder. It was in this instant that the chimpmunk flipped back onto it's feet, shook a bit, and then darted away into the bushes, with Cougar none the wiser. When he turned to again seize his prey, it was gone! He was completely confused and instantly a broken man-cat. He searched longingly for it, sniffing the entire backyard in vain. But the chipmunk was gone.

Cougar spent the rest of the evening sulking, depressed and embarrassed at what had happened. Never again will he let pride get between him and his dinner. Let this be a lesson to us all-humbleness breeds success.

sorry Cougar, I still love you.

Free Goat to a Good Home

j/k but we're going to see "the davicni code" tomorrow night after new community around 8:30. let me know if ya want to join the gang!

More "Office" humor...

Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing! We -- at the end of the night -- are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts, right Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse, and...it's a school night, and, you know, Hooters is catering, you know...is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun...or exciting, you make it *not* that way. I hate...so much about the things that you choose to be.
...........................................................................
Michael Scott: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: No, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: No, that's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanastananis.

Da Vin Chee's Coat

Is anyone interested in seeing the DaVinci Code this weekend? I'd love to see it and discuss afterwards. Friday? Saturday? Sunday? Maybe after Nexus? Anyone?

Pat Robertson, the 700 Club Weatherman

Ok, Pat Robertson has done many things for evangelism-some good, some very questionable (calling for dictator assassinations, etc). But now he's a meteorologist. or maybe he's a prophet. I guess we'll see.

P.S. On a technical note, hurricane season starts in June, so if we see tropical storms starting to brew in the next few weeks, maybe it's just normal weather patterns-not the wrath of God.

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - In another in a series of notable pronouncements, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.
Robertson has made the predictions at least four times in the past two weeks on his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network, which he founded.
Robertson said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Robertson has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for Israel's pullout from the Gaza Strip.

Custom Chopper

Those of you that know me know that I have dreamt of having my own custom motorcycle for a long time. Unfortunately, my current budget has no room for one of these expensive pieces of motorized art. Nevertheless, being a creative and thrifty individual, I built my own from parts I found laying around the house. It's definitely one-of-a-kind! It's fuel efficient and recyclable.

New Profession

I think that from now on, when I meet people and they ask me what I do, I'm going to tell them I'm an astronaut.

Thoughts?

Would you like flies with that?

It is astounding that your average, run-of-the mill fastfood patron is an expert in anything and everything. Today, a lady told me that she found a brown recluse spider in her beverage.

I have few problems with this: There are only two ways a spider could have gotten into a drink; it was either in the cup before pouring (which is impossible since they are tightly stacked upside down in a sleeve) or in the ice (possible). However, the ice bin was checked and is free of any spider evidence and if in fact, it was in the ice bin, logic would suggest it would sustain some sort of damage from the stirring and scooping process. Jane Doe's spider is in tact and is 2.5" long. That's a big freakin spider.

Another problem I have is that she found the thing "in the ice" 3.5 hours after buying it. And she's in the South. Are you telling me that ice lasts this long and is still capable of suspending an object?

The final problem is that she is not an entomologist. Of course she would choose the most dangerous spider in North America as the culprit. However, there are 546 spider species in Arkansas and adult brown recluse spiders are approximately the size of a quarter, including the length of their legs. And the only way they can harm you is by directly injecting venom through a bite.

So ma'am, bite me.
p.s. the title is in reference to the fact that spiders eat flies. funny.

Deer vs. Donuts Part Deux

For some reason, there is a forest in Pennsylvania where deer are committing suicide. What are the chances that the same donut truck would hit another deer in the same area just one week later? That's amazing.

Wait a minute...maybe they are using deer as filler (jelly-filled anyone?) and this is a way for them to increase profitability. Something's fishy here. All I'm saying is that probability suggests that for the same vehicle to hit another deer by "accident" when it is not mating season, seems a little unlikely.

I think I'll turn this one into the conservation police. After all, I've never seen a donut truck painted camouflage before, or with 32" tires and a gun rack.

If you eat Krispy Kreme, chew carefully.

Claim O' the Day.

This from my friend in Property:

McDonald's Restaurant, Undisclosed location:
A woman orders at the drive thru and pulls ahead to pay at the window. As she reaches from her vehicle to exchanger her money with the employee, she drops the change. Naturally, she opens the vehicle door, but can't reach all the coins. She puts her left foot on the ground for leverage while at the same time her right foot slips from the brake to the gas pedal. oops. The vehicle lunges forward, taking out several bushes and breaking her leg between the door and the frame as she runs into the building. And you thought cholesterol was bad!!

Bald Cougar.

This is what Cougar looks like with his fur off. He's doing his Tom Cruise impersonation. (he's quite good).

Python vs. Pygmy-dog

Tragic, but slightly humorous story. Again, the last line is my favorite.

Owners win lawsuit after dog killed by python
Max the rat terrier attacked by giant pet snake in Florida

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. - The owners of a small dog killed by an 11-foot Burmese python were awarded $1,300 in the death of their pet.
A small claims court judge on Monday awarded Boynton Beach residents Wayne Vassello and Shana Lane the amount in damages and court costs.

Vassello was walking the pair's 8-pound rat terrier, Max, in February and let the dog off his leash near their apartment. A neighbor's pet python, Diamond, had gotten free and grabbed the dog by the head, wrapping several coils around him.

Vassello hit the snake with a golf club and got it to release the dog, but Max ran away and was found dead the next day with injuries consistent with constriction, according to a veterinarian.
The snake's owner argued in court that Vassello is partly to blame because he let Max off his leash and that he might have accidentally hit the dog with the golf club.

Vassello and Lane said Max was a part of the family: They set a place setting for him at Thanksgiving dinner, and he was to be the ring bearer at their wedding.

There are rednecks in Ohio too.

Mowing violation?
Police arrest Ohio man making a run to the store on a lawn mower

VERMILION, Ohio - Police have arrested a man accused of operating lawn mower while drunk.
Dondi Bowles, 50, of Vermilion, was arrested about 9:45 p.m. Friday as he drove the mower on a sidewalk.
Police said he had used the mower to drive to a store about a mile from his home and was arrested on his way back. Police had the lawn mower towed.
Police said a breath test showed that Bowles' blood alcohol level was 0.144 percent, above Ohio's limit of 0.08 percent.
Police said it was Bowles' third drunk driving-related arrest in six months.
Vermilion is a Lake Erie town about 40 miles west of Cleveland.

Inventors wanted!

I have a proposal to any and all inventors/engineers. Could someone please invent a "Stupid" and "Slap" feature for office phones? These buttons would function as such: the "stupid" button would be pressed at any point when the person on the other end of the line has driven you to the point of mental anguish. Activation of this feature would send a low-voltage charge into the receiver's aural canal, directing it to the brain. Hopefully this will "correct" the "condition" of said person. The "Slap" function is self-explanatory, but implore me. It would be utilized in the instance when repeated "Stupid" treatments are not affective. A rapidly-deploying spatula-esque device would eject from the handset and whack the caller repeatedly until the phone is dropped. I recommend also electrically charging this unit. In extreme cases, both "Stupid" and "Slap" could be used simultaneously. Thank you for your consideration.

Dwarf vs. Hippo

For those of us around the campfire saturday night, there was a news story brought up about a circus performer being consumed by an animal on stage. I found the story on www.darwinawards.com. If it's printed in the "National Inquirer," it MUST be true!

(15 July 1999, Bangkok) A circus dwarf met a disastrous demise, when he was swallowed by a hippopotamus in a freak accident in northern Thailand.
Od the Dwarf had just astounded the audience with a trapeze performance, when he dismounted onto a trampoline at a bad angle. He was launched sideways into the mouth of a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear in the next act. Hilda the Hippo gagged and instinctively swallowed the small man while spectators continued to applaud, not realizing their tragic mistake.
Horrified circus members rushed to save the dwarf, but were unable to extract him from the traumatized beast. Veterinarians defended Hilda by pointing out that she was a vegetarian, and had never before digested a circus performer.
The trampoline is being subjected to forensic analysis.
The circus is now hiring.

Donuts vs. Deer

This is an actual auto accident report I received today from one of our clients that makes and delivers delicious glazed krispy donuts. Grammar has not been altered. The last line is my favorite:

A deer-small, no horns-ran in front of the truck neglecting to look both ways or use a crosswalk. I put on the breaks, layed on the horn-it ran faster but not quite fast enough and hit the right front. The deer was too slow and didn't recognize the truck as a threat. This is very common with deer.

I am attempting to upload my picture. Notice the guy rear right. Hilarious.

Who ordered soup a la mouse?

I love this! A mother and son are dining at a Cracker Barrel restaurant. They claim to have found a dead mouse in their soup! Eegads. Luckily people like this are stupid. An autopsy (yes, a mini mouse autopsy) was performed, which revealed that the mouse had died due to a skull fracture and there was no soup in its lungs. Whallah, planted object. The mother and son are now in prison for insurance fraud. poetic.

Why am I becoming cynical?

I am, by nature, an easy-going fellow. I try not to get involved in situations that don't concern me and keep a positive outlook as much as humanly possible. Faith helps this. While my faith is God has grown astronomically over the past year or so, my faith in my fellow man has decreased significantly in only a small number of months. Thanks to the citizens I deal with on a daily basis, I would now greet the average Joe Schmoe you'd meet on the street with a little more apprehension. I'd be a little less trusting than I used to be. Maybe this is just a result of age and life-learned experience. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of because debt has made me more aware and protective of "things." More than likely, it's because approximately 70% of the people I come into contact with on the job are liars, cheats, and con artists. Could that be it? I still believe people are inherently good, but an overwhelming proportion of them that I am forced into "community" with are not expressing it. I still try to rationalize that maybe some of these people are actually in need. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances that have forces them into a desperate situation where they would risk legal action against them for fraud to obtain a little money to help their family. It's hard to sort fact from fiction sometimes. The lines get blurred. I just hope what I'm doing is right and I can maintain some sense of trust and optimism that our world will get better...

Murder Inc.

Ok, today has by far exceeded "crazy" on my weird-o-meter. I'll keep this short and sweet. This morning a guy claimed that McDonald's is trying to "kill him" by continuously serving him onions on his sandwiches because he is allergic to onions. He said this is the fifth time it's happened at the same store. Um, dude, if you're that allergic why don't you check the burger before you binge. The kicker-he ate half the sandwich before realizing there were onions on it. While yelling that he'd have to rush to the E.R., he still took the time to fill out a report and talk with the manager, all the while showing no signs of anaphylaxis.

The next two come from the same Applebee's restaurant. The first is an alleged food poisoning case where the clmt says his girlfriend was already in the hospital within two hours after eating at the store (food poisoning generally takes 6-48 hours to hit you). He was screaming profanities at the manager and demanding his $38 back. The manager explained that this would have to be turned into the insurance company and he'd have to talk to them about it. At this, his rage increased along with his nonsensical stream of swear words. The insured hung up the phone. The "gentleman" called back, this time threatening to kill the manager and other employees if he was not refunded his money. The manager called the police.

And finally, another diner claimed he found a 1/2" lug nut in his mashed potatoes. The nut was in pristine condition and in the top of the serving, which broke two of the guy's teeth (maybe they were the last two teeth in his skull). The problem is that this restaurant makes their mashed potatoes from scratch and nowhere in the process is any form of machinery. Even if there had been, brand new, shiny nuts usually don't just fall out of appliances. Although he was in excrutiating pain, the customer still managed to eat an entire ribeye steak, compliments of the house. He happened to mention that the tooth directly in front of the affected area just had a root canal and cap put on two weeks ago. What do you suppose the chances are that these two teeth the the "nut broke" were already damaged and he just couldn't afford to have them all fixed? He told me that this was the last time I'd be speaking with him because his lawyers would be calling me. I said "that sounds great, bye." I love it.

Sorry ma'am, and yes, I'm laughing at you.

This was great! Sometimes I get a claim, and I instantly get a "feeling" about it. This one screamed, "no way." It says that this lady bought a double cheeseburger ($0.99), opened it up to put on ketchup, mustard, and whatever else they put on this stuff in North Carolina, and allegedly found a fly. She hadn't eaten any of the sandwich, but felt nauseated nonetheless. My thoughts: pick it off, eat the burger. What would any other normal person do? Ask for another sandwich right? Not this time... not this lady... She refused a meal replacement and instead demanded the corporate phone number. The manager gave it to her in hopes of appeasing her and defusing the situation. Not that easy. Corporate pretty much told her the same thing and offered her a gift card. Also not up to her standards (remember she has suffered much). Now it's in my hands and I already have a preconceived opinion of our patron. Now that I'm on the line, she suddenly remembers that she had already began to eat the burger when she found the fly (which was in the middle of the meat patty) and that the hamburger was raw, causing her to be violently ill with food poisoning for two whole days, but she didn't seek medical treatment because she's had food poisoning before and knows what to do and that this WAS food poisoning. Ramble much? She followed with a number of other stories that conflicted sharply with facts from the manager, including that she had not been offered anything by the store because before they could offer her anything, she stopped them and told them she'd rather "settle out of court." Ok, you bought a $0.99 sandwich. Wouldn't "settling out of court" be to replace that 99 cents? How about we make it an even dollar? She told me she'd settle for around 10 or 15, to which I said "dollars? ok." "NO!!," from the other end of the line-"one thousand to fifteen hundred!" To which I responded with an unintentional, and maybe unbusinesslike, burst of laughter. woops. I recovered, however, and told her that we were not prepared to settle a claim of this nature. She said she'd see us in court. I said "ok."