Don't become a victim...

I’d like to take this opportunity to bring to light a condition that our society would rather overlook than recognize as a real problem. Millions of Americans suffer from a plight known as Feline-Induced Sleep Deprivation, or FISD. I am a victim of this disorder.

People with FISD are often awoken several times throughout the night or much earlier than their intended hour of waking. This causes undue stress, crankiness (yes, that is a medical condition), and a feeling of angst against anything furry. The source of this disorder has been linked to the presence of felines that reside in the afflicted person’s home. Transmission is normally through direct contact (often violent) between said feline’s limbs (clawed or de-clawed digits), posterior appendage (tail), or keratin sensory organs (whiskers) and exposed portions of the victim’s thorax, neck, or face. Persons may also be affected indirectly through audible distress signals from the feline, indicating they require immediate maintenance (ex.: food, water, or retrieval of favorite toy from under the stove).

There is hope for those suffering from FISD, however. Previous treatment options included placing barriers between feline and victim during sleeping hours. However, the felines have gained the ability to increase audible distress signals to the level that will penetrate any solid material. The only treatment that is 100% effective against FISD is to provide felines with 2 lbs of food before retiring for the evening and sleeping in a full-body Kevlar suit, including aircraft carrier flight deck-rated ear muffs, and a bee keeper mask.

Do not let the felines control your life. Together, we can take a stand against FISD!