Inventors wanted!

I have a proposal to any and all inventors/engineers. Could someone please invent a "Stupid" and "Slap" feature for office phones? These buttons would function as such: the "stupid" button would be pressed at any point when the person on the other end of the line has driven you to the point of mental anguish. Activation of this feature would send a low-voltage charge into the receiver's aural canal, directing it to the brain. Hopefully this will "correct" the "condition" of said person. The "Slap" function is self-explanatory, but implore me. It would be utilized in the instance when repeated "Stupid" treatments are not affective. A rapidly-deploying spatula-esque device would eject from the handset and whack the caller repeatedly until the phone is dropped. I recommend also electrically charging this unit. In extreme cases, both "Stupid" and "Slap" could be used simultaneously. Thank you for your consideration.