Chimney Sweep

This afternoon I decided it was past due time to remove the heavy carpet of maple leaves from the front lawn. As I do not own a rake, nor the extra funds to purchase such an implement, I was using a snow shovel to scoop them off the driveway. My friendly neighbor, who must not have noticed how efficiently the scoop shovel was working, offered me his rake. I obliged and before I knew it, I had (literally) a pile of leaves waist high, and 15 feet long in the front yard. Mind you, I only have one tree. I had already filled both of the garbage cans I own, so my only option was to go to the hardware store and buy a bunch of bags.
Done.
Upon returning home, I received a frantic call from my friend and neighbor, Shawn. His words: "A squirrel fell down the chimney. It is now in the fireplace in the living room. What do I do?"
My response: "I'll be right there."

Now, how exactly we were going to remove the furry fella hadn't crossed my mind. All I knew is that we could do it (after all, I HAVE speared a wild boar). But this was different. Squirrels are cute and cuddly.
My first plan was to use a large cardboard box and a sheet (as seen on popular Animal Planet shows). With the apparatus in place, Shawn and I slowly opened the glass doors to coerce the enraged rodent into the box.
No luck. He wouldn't budge. So Shawn got a broom and tried to strike the faux logs stacked in front of it. But there was a slight miscalculation and the pile of ceramic ended up falling on top of the intrepid tree dweller. I gingerly reached in and lifted each log, one by one, off the whimpering beast. When I pulled the last log off of him, the squirrel lept straight up and on top of the flu.
Time for a new plan. I went back home to bag the leaves while Shawn watched and waited for the intruder to come down from his hiding place. About an hour later, Shawn called back. "He's down."
By this time, I had filled all ten 30-gallon bags with leaves and had two piles left on the lawn. from one FREAKIN tree.
Anyway, I ran back to Shawn's house and re-evaluated the gameplan. First, we moved some furniture, opened the front door, and removed the box. This would provide a direct route to freedom. We slid back the glass doors on the fireplace once again and slipped quietly into the adjoining room. The squirrel first jumped at the opening, but then retreated into the corner of the fireplace once again, chucking and chirping loudly. This went on for about 10 minutes. He would not leave the dark safety.
Plan C. Let's use the blanket, catch the little devil, and throw it outside. I crept slowly up to the fireplace and reached inside for the chain to close the flu, just inches above the cowering creature's head. Got it. One more obstacle to overcome-the metal stand that hold the logs was directly in front of the animal, so throwing a sheet over it would be impossible. Shawn and I each reached in and grabbed an end and gently removed the stand.
"Ok, ready? On the count of three..."
"one"
"two"
We both flung the blanket over the animal, not thinking of what the next step would be. But before we could think, the squirrel freed itself from beneath the sheet, jumped out of the fireplace, right between us, scampered through the living room, and right out the front door.
Shawn's wife yelled, "Shut the door!"
Shawn cooly replied, "I don't think he's coming back."

All in a day's work for Justin Ganschow, Health Inspector/Leaf Shoveler/Squirrel Remover