TGIF (Talking Giraffes Infest Florida)

It's going to be a good day.
I got an email from my boss this morning, informing the liability unit that we just denied renewal of two of our largest accounts. One is a huge corporation that owns Krispy Kreme franchises, several hotels, catering services, and restaurants in PA. The other owns 53 McDonald's in FL. Collectively, I've handled 50 claims for the two accounts in the past 6 months. That's more than a claim a week/per account. Considering we have 10 examiners in our unit, that's approximately 960 claims a year in liability alone. Good riddance!

Church Squirrels.

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

sorry, i couldn't resist.

Weekend, what's a weekend?

I don't remember what it's like to relax.

maybe soon...

I did it-sanded 4 floors in 24 hours. Couldn't have done it without Bri! I'm still feeling it in every muscle and joint. It was worth it though. Bri and I are putting the second coat of finish on the floors tonight and maybe finishing painting the kitchen if we have time. The carpet was installed in the theatre saturday morning, so all that's left for the floors is the kitchen and breakfast area.

Still on schedule to move in Saturday!!

then i can relax...(probably not).

Almost there!

Mint green before, beautiful blue after...

Horrendous, psychedelic “Magic Eye” wallpaper in bedroom 1 before, soothing neutrals after…

Progress-slow, but steady.

Theatre room before. Notice the nasty, stained blue carpet.
Theatre room after. Light beige carpet is coming next week! The 52" HDTV is going at the end of the room, with suspended 7.1 Dolby Digital THX speakers surrounding the viewers.


Before and after of bedroom two. Blue wallpaper is gone! Hardwood floors in both upstairs bedrooms, the office, and the dining room are being refinished starting tomorrow night. Can I do 4 rooms in 24 hours? I sure hope so.

I am eagerly seeking volunteers to help pull up linoleum in the kitchen or to pull staples from the hardwood tomorrow night or saturday. I will be finishing the floors sunday if you would like to apply urethane! Or you could help Bri paint trim. Or just come make us laugh. Or bring cookies.

Updates.

After working diligently on the house for the past week and a half, we only have the kitchen and trim left to paint (finally removed the last of the wallpaper last night), staples and carpet tack strips to pull from the wood floors, linoleum to remove from the kitchen and breakfast area, then sanding and sealing the hardwood in the bedrooms and office. Yesterday, a friend at work asked me if i'd like a free 32" Sony Trinitron TV that his parents were getting rid of. Gee, let me think....um, sure. So now I have a TV for the living room or my bedroom, if I can lug the 200lb beast up the stairs. sweet. The floors in the kitchen and "theatre" are getting measured today for new vinyl and carpet.

I tried 5 times to upload pictures, but blogger is being difficult. Will add them later.

tag, you're it!

Three things that scare me.
1. Caves
2. Needles
3. Goats (I just don't trust them)

Three people who make me laugh.
1. Bri (when she used words and phrases like "redonkulous" and "crazy as a moon chicken")
2. Will Ferrell
3. Steve Carrell

Three things I hate.
1. Freakin' wallpaper
2. Allergies
3. Hopelessly tangled speaker wires

Three things I am doing right now.
1. Acting like I am working diligently (I've mastered this)
2. Thinking about linoleum
3. Wishing it was October (Catalyst, here we come!)

Three things I want to do before I die.
1. Sing in front of a screaming crowd (hopefully not screamed because i'm bad)
2. Climb a mountain
3. Raise a happy family (sappy, i know)

Three things I can do.
1. Taxidermy
2. Mix random ingredients into a delightful meal
3. Make the most of any situation

Three ways to describe my personality.
1. Easy-going
2. Laughable
3. Determined

Three things I can’t do.
1. A flawlessly executed kartwheel.
2. Breathe under water
3. Knit

Three things I think you should listen to.
1. Kids-they're funny when they don't even try.
2. People with life experience-not just an education.
3. Rob Bell

Three favorite foods.
1. Chicken
2. Chicken
3. Chicken

Three shows I watched as a kid.
1. Animaniacs
2. X-Files
3. He-Man

Three people I tag.
http://mediumgreen.blogspot.com/
http://blandthought.blogspot.com/
http://swishthedish.blogspot.com/

Memoirs of a Ganschow (and other obscure movie references)

I few dozen blogs ago, I posted a list of things that I am fond of and not so fond of. At the top of the list of things that drive me berserk was the Dodge Neon. I just hate them and I can’t explain why. However, home ownership has now brought to light something far more sinister.

WALLPAPER.

Who the “h” invented this crap? Seriously. Let’s take some 1,000 year Ultra-Bond and permanently cement the most heinous floral pattern onto this wall (especially into every crevice that will be utterly impossibly to remove with a scraper, trowel, or jack hammer). Sometimes I honestly feel it would be easier to take it off with a claw hammer and put up a new wall. Or burn it down. Or go totally “trailer” and just paint over it.

Other than that, the improvement are going well (and draining all financial reserves).

And I’ve replaced my blood with a caffeine-laced substance resembling maple syrup to keep me going at the office after long nights at Yellow House.

And I think I’m going to change the name of my blog to “Memoirs of a Ganschow.”

Boosts energy, makes you taste colors...

So I'm trying this new diet where all I eat is the following product:

No wonder those people on Chinese game shows are always so hyper!

House=Work.

It was a crazy, messy, fun, tiring weekend at the new house. 8 rooms now have either been painted, stripped of wall paper, primed, or a combination of these. Hopefully all painting will be done by this weekend so I can start tearing up the stained and disgusting carpet and linoleum in preparation of floor restoration.

Are we there yet?

A special thanks to Mr. Eric Potter, who snuck into the house in the wee hours of Saturday morning to paint the breakfast room before I could get there...
To my parents for all of their hard work painting and for bringing down the food to keep us going!
To Beth Bernard for helping me prime and paint yesterday afternoon!
To everyone who came over for the feast on Friday evening...

And of course, to my wonderful BRI for all of her hard work, endless ideas, and determination!
She stayed at the house Friday night after everyone left and painted until 5am! Then she came back after sleeping for a few hours and worked until 2am Sunday (then worked all day at he mall). Love you Bri!!!

This is funny...if it's fraudulent.

Another examiner got a new file yesterday where a lady is alleging she was eating some delicious Mickey Dee's food while driving. She suddenly began vomiting, passed out, and crashed her car.

Sounds very unfortunate right?

This is just speculation, but experience tell me that THIS is what actually happened: The claimant has no car insurance, was most likely driving drunk, wrecked her car, and is now looking for deep pockets to pay her bills.

I'll keep you posted.

Gathering Tonight.

Friends:
7pm tonight at Yellow House. There will be feasting and fellowship. If you are reading this, you are invited. I'm cooking some fresh goose and dove, but if you'd like to bring snacks and beverages, it would be much appreciated. Wall paper removal and painting begins tomorrow if you would like to help! See you soon.

1014 E. Elmhurst

Performance Review

Yesterday afternoon, my boss came over and asked if he could speak with me for a few minutes in the conference room. I said sure. What else could I say?

I walked into the room ahead of him, he entered, closed the door, and asked me to have a seat.

Still standing, with a stack of papers in hand he stared at me and said, “Radio Shack fires people through email, but I have the dignity to do it in person.” Blank stare, no expression.


Then he burst out laughing.
And told me I was “awesome.”

That’s why I love my job. Well, like it…sometimes.

DL

Anyone know where I can get a robot arm? After years of arm wrestling, weight lifting, wall climbing, moutain biking, wild boar hunting, etc., my right arm officially has a partially torn bicep. I didn't even do it while doing something cool or dangerous like knife fighting or kangaroo boxing. All I did was throw a softball. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Doctor said I can't throw for 2-3 weeks. ouch.

Winged Weekend.

What a weekend! I went hunting with my dad and uncle and some of their friends Saturday and Sunday. While dove hunting Saturday, we all limited out (15 birds a piece) within 3 hours! I think I shot 3 and a half boxes of shells. My jaw was a little sore by the end of the afternoon from all the recoil, but it was a blast. Literally. I got a lot on video with the helmet cam.

Sunday we went goose hunting. My dad’s best friend’s wife owns a golf course up by Utica, IL. Across the road are a couple of ponds and a cabin that they also own. The geese like to fly between the cabin and the lakes on the golf course. Geese on a golf course don’t make anyone happy. Hunting geese makes us happy. Therefore, it is logical that shooting geese on or near the golf course should make everyone happy, right?

Our morning began bright and early, with the guys calling over an impressive spread of decoys. However, nothing came in. At about 9:30, we decided to take a drive over to the course to see if there were any birds hanging out in the water hazards. We had no more than loaded up in the truck and pulled out from under the trees by the cabin when a flock of 7 honkers came in right over top of us and locked up their wings to land right in the decoys! My uncle threw the truck in reverse and hunters rolled out of the bed and doors. Like ants, everybody crept up to the cabin (where the guns were locked up) in single-file trying not to be spotted by the geese that were now wandering around looking at the decoys. Once inside, it was a mad dash for guns and ammo. 2 guys slipped back out the door and around one side of the building, while the other 3 went out the other way. Then everyone ran for the decoys. The geese all took off at once. None escaped. It was beautifully executed.

About an hour later we got a call from the golf course. There were birds on the 4th hole. With bow and arrows in hand, we boarded two golf carts and headed across the fairways, dodging golf balls. When we got to the water’s edge, the geese took off from the bank and started swimming for the middle. Now you would think that most people would be impressed by a 30-40 yard shot on a target as small as a goose with a bow. However, there were 2 golfers nearby that were less than thrilled. And we heard about it. But there are now 3 less geese to plant “landmines” on the greens. Sorry fellas.

Then we had to get a boat, haul it across the course in the back of a truck and paddle out to retrieve the birds and slew of arrows. It was an impressive sight to say the least. And it’s all on video.

oh it gets better (or worse).

I got a call on a typical broken tooth from a bone chip in a hamburger patty (I get about 3 of these a week, so if you frequent McD's, chew carefully). I always ask how they discovered and preserved the object, as it is important for forensic analysis.


Normal answers are: 1. I spit it out and saved it.
OR
2. I threw it away (destruction of evidence).

When I asked this woman if she spit it out after her injury, she said "not exactly."
"So you swallowed it?"
"Yes."
"But you still have the object?"
"Yes."
"I see."
The retrieval method involved a clothespin and plastic gloves.
Talk about determination.
She's sending to me in the mail.
sweet.

Would you like to SuperSize that?

One of our Senior Claims Examiners just came over and showed me some pictures an attorney sent him of an opened McD’s burger with an unusual “condiment” sitting atop the meat patty . At first I thought it was just an onion and was confused as to why he came over to show me a photos of a sandwich.

Then I realized it was no onion. All I’ll say is that it was the same color and shape as an onion slice, about 1.5’’ in diameter, had rolled edges, and was made of latex.

I seriously almost hurled in my garbage can…but at least it wasn’t used.

But still…