WACKY Wednesday.

Yesterday was in a word, insane. I was “cussed-out” by a furious claimant because I’m not paying to fix his van that he claims was damaged while driving into the parking lot because it is physically impossible to have occurred the way he has described. (deep breath) I’ve actually denied the claim several times now. So after he called me every name in the book and I hung up on Mr. Jerko, he called my boss and used a few choice adjectives on him. Frank doesn’t tolerate this, so he also hung up on him. Then Synonym-for-donkey-man called our V.P. Good luck.

That was just the beginning. Another guy insisted that he was taking his story to the news because he was served an undercooked burger and “the public needs to know.” That’s all well and good, Mr. Vigilante, except you were not sick, you had no medical treatment, and therefore, no evidence of any problem with the food. If there is something wrong with a product, it’s not going to be ONE hamburger that’s affected. They grill them 6 at a time and sold almost 200 that day. You’re the only one with a “problem.” So go tell it on the mountain, buddy, I’m sure the news has nothing better to cover.

A lady who told me she is a Nashville recording artist (from Arkansas) said her Godson was eating at McD and found a fly in his burger. There are many MANY details of her story that make absolutely no sense, but I’ll only highlight the most entertaining. First, she said the fly was inside the meat, but was intact. Hamburgers are made from ground meat, ma’am. That means that the fly would have also been ground up in the process. The kid didn’t eat any of the fly and yet she claims he’s very ill, has been to the ER twice, couldn’t celebrate his birthday because he was sick. She wouldn’t even let me talk to the little tyke….who is 20 years old. She is also too disgusted and physically sickened by the matter and doesn’t think either of them will EVER be able to eat fast food again...
You’re welcome.

Finally, (this is my fav) another examiner got a claim from some loon that our insured restaurant put specially designed glass fragments into his food intentionally. These were “engineered” to be undetectable while eating the food, but are now cutting into his intestines and causing internal bleeding. Some people have too much time on their hands.

Urgent!

I have decided that the time has come. The time has come that we must embrace a reality that most of us have rejected, either intentionally or as a subconscious action because we are afraid of what it might mean. We turn away and close the doors of our mind because what we have been made to believe is not the whole truth. We have been led astray…

What is this deep secret, you ask? The answer may be staring you in the face at this very moment. Or maybe it “lives” next door. Maybe it’s your boss…or someone you pass on the street every morning…an overly-efficient and emotionless colleague. Maybe it’s in your cell phone or iPod. Or maybe it’s inside your head.

This unspeakable thing, this conspiracy that our government has been covering up for generations is that robots have come to live among us. They are everywhere. Please contact me as soon as HUMANLY possible to purchase robot insurance. This will protect you, your family, and your biological way of life!

this is good.

So, yesterday my buddy Jordan got an obviously false claim that a lady had found an insect head in her hamburger. It's a common question to ask how they discovered a foreign object in the product, since most people just shovel it in without carefully examining every delectable bite (i am speaking from experience here). so he asked... She said she saw the bugs "antlers" sticking out of her sandwich.

maybe it was a deer tick.


I also learned it costs $250 to have an emergency cleaning for the trunk of your $60,000 Cadillac if you drive 50 miles with a bag full of food in the back and au jus spills everywhere because you are an idiot.

pony?

this pretty much made my day.

Veritas.

What bothers me the most about this job is the same thing that is fundamentally wrong with humans these days: TRUTH, or more specifically, an avoidance of it. If people would take responsibility for their own actions this world would be a much more pleasant place to live. Why is it that when people don’t get their way or they make a mistake, they automatically look for someone else to blame and compensate them for their own shortcomings. It makes no sense! Furthermore, why does our legal system support this?! It only encourages more irresponsibility, corruption, and manipulation. I just don’t understand.

More Darwinian Delights.

While these are not any of my claims, they are amusing, nonetheless. I did however, have a lady try to file a claim for breaking a dental crown on a chicken bone last week. The catch? It was a bone in a chicken wing. You can't just eat the whole thing ma'am, you only eat the meat. sorry.

enjoy.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man orderedonion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

bowhunting skills

ok, this is totally random, but i just came across this picture from the latest wild boar hunting trip to texas and thought i needed to post it to prove my totally excellent bow hunting skills. I stuck this raccoon at 25 yards in the dark while I was sitting in a tripod stand. sweet. (sorry if you are against hunting)

Last blog of the day, i promise...

Today I was reconnected with an old friend…with someone who was instrumental in guiding me to where I am today in my walk with Jesus. Someone who is for lack of a better word, a mentor. Someone who has remained faithful and loyal to God no matter what cards he was dealt. He was there when I first met Jesus. I had known who God was as I was growing up, but I didn’t really KNOW Him. I was just an infant in this relationship and God called him away to another church. I haven’t spoken with him in two years, but today we were reunited.

Lately I’ve been feeling empty. I’m not sure why, but I just felt like I was drifting off the coast of a vast ocean, unable to paddle back to shore. I’ve been waking up exhausted after a full night’s sleep. I’ve had aches and pains that feel like my age has suddenly doubled. And just last night I realized that I have been running myself into the ground with my job, work at home, and trying to please everyone all the time. I just can’t do it. Let me rephrase-I can’t do anything without Jesus. And that’s why this has all come about. I’ve taken Him out of my schedule….

I go to church a few times a week. But that’s not enough. He needs more. Time for just the two of us. I need Him and I have decided to spend a little less time and energy on other stuff and more on Him.

When I came across Randy’s blog this morning, my entire outlook on the day changed. The sun was brighter, the time clock moved a little faster, and my heart was a little lighter. God is good. He gives and takes away, but he is ALWAYS faithful. He comforts, He reassures, and He never ceases to amaze me!

McMigraine update.

This is great...sort of. The lady from claim #3 in my previous post "McMigraines," has filed suite. I wonder if her attorney knows that she spilled the soup in her own lap after she had taken it out of the bag, where it was safely and securely placed by the insured employee? Either way, I'm offering a settlement of $000000.00. Thank you and have a lovely day.

Best news of the month.

This morning, while hard at work, I discovered the most uplifting news! The beloved animated series from 1993, "Animaniacs," is going to be released on dvd July 25, 2006. I LOVED this show as a kid and even signed a petition to Warner Bros. to have it put out on dvd last year. This is a great day in American history!

"What are we going to do tonight Brain?" "The same thing we do every night, Pinkie,....try to take over the world..."

Go G-dub!

Finally, Bush does something nice for the world...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13300363/

REALITY hurts.

Yesterday evening we had a cookout for the high school ministry, "Reality." There was food galore, football, bocce ball, ultimate frisbee, and an inflatable obstacle course and jousting arena. Everyone had a great time and we met a bunch of new kids! Very exciting. However, I realized that I'm not quite as youthful or resilient as I once was. Point in case: while running cross-field to catch a football, I was unable to stop when I came to the out-of-bounds (the forest). Hence, I went head-first into an 8 foot tall thorn bush and fell completely through it. I now look like I have been mauled by a pack of hungry alley cats while wearing a suit made of tuna. Point #2, after making a bold and powerful swing at a kid on the jousting game, I took a very solid hit to the back of the head from his stick. Who needs helmets anyway? Wow, I saw stars. And finally, when I woke up this morning I was so sore and stiff I could hardly move. I blame ultimate frisbee.

How is it going to be when I'm 30?!

Seriously though, it was awesome.

Z.E.C.O.T.U.A.C.I.

This morning I was assigned a claim for the church with the longest name ever: Zion Evangelical Church of the Unaltertered Augsburg Confessions Incorporated.

I think it's hilarious, but then again, at this job it doesn't take much to amuse me.

The Mighty Hunter

Cougar has now successfully captured 3 chipmunks from our yard. He is apparently a sportsman though because he hasn't killed any of them. He just catches them and carries them to the door of the house, trying to bring them inside. Apparently he thinks he can safely play with them there without the danger of his prey escaping back into a burrow, which is exactly what happens when he's outside. very VERY amusing.

Upgrades...in frustration.

So I previously posted about a bunch of work i'm doing on my car. On the list of things to do for this week were to: change fuel filter and oil/oil filter, install new grille insert, install new custom tail lights, fix door, replace brake pads. I planned on doing all of that last night, as the rest of my nights are booked. So, after 3.5 hours I accomplished the following: changed fuel filter and installed 1/2 grille inserts. Why are things so difficult? I should rephrase: why are things so impossibly frustrating. If companies would supply directions and parts that function as they claim, life would be much easier, but then where would the challenge be. After giving up on the grille and sleeping on it, I have a new idea and will try it out tonight after church.

Mt. Olympus

Last weekend I was privileged enough be accompany the high school ministry group from Northwoods to Mt. Olympus Water & Theme Park in the Wisconsin Dells. Besides having a great time at the park on a beautiful weekend, it was also a chance to connect with some great kids on a deeper level. Can I just say again that I LOVE these opportunities to serve?! Thank you!!

Lincoln Brewster in the Hiz-ous!!!

So last night Northwoods Community Church proved once again that it is the rocking-est church in the world! It was the volunteer celebration night and for a surprise they flew in Lincoln Brewster from California! He is definitely one of the most talented Christian artists out there and an AMAZING guitar player. He had the whole church rockin out! I've never left a church service with ringing ears until last night. Wow. Best surprise ever! then we got free icecream (also good). It's such an honor just to serve God, but to be rewarded for it in this way was awesome. I love NWCC!!

McMigraines

Highlights of the last two days.

1. A waitress spills a small quantity of iced tea that gets on the flap of a coach bag pocket. The purse is allegedly worth $400 new, but is 6 months old. Since it happened as a result of an employee, we offered to replace it, as long as the lady sent us the damaged property. She refused. After going back and forth between offers, she still would not give up the old purse (this is illegal, as giving her a new one and letting her keep the old one would be advancing her. We require the old one for salvage costs, as it could be resold "as is"). Now she has retained an attorney and is threatening suite if we don't buy her a new one and let her keep the old one. It's a freakin purse, lady!! Sue me!!

2. Another woman claims she was drinking orange juice (with a straw) and felt something go down her throat. Regardless of a supervisor, a manager, and a medical doctors' opinions that it was just orange pulp, she is convinced it was a roach or something else that could have "poisoned her body." She went to the ER for this and wants me to pay her bills. Sorry, no dice.

3. And finally (my favorite), a lady buys soup at a drive thru window and while the employee goes to get her some water, the lady takes the soup out of the bag, opens it up and spills it on her leg. When the employee comes back to the window, the lady says, "look what happened, I know you didn't mean to." Ok, if you take the product out of the bag, where it was safe and secure, open it up and pour it on yourself, it's YOUR fault. She then said it was too hot. Do you want COLD soup?! She parked her car and came into the store to talk to the manager. She showed him her leg, which was a little red, but not burned and she assured him she was fine. Now she is claiming that the soup was SO hot that it burned the leather seat in her 2002 Porsche and she needs it replaced. Come on...seriously? A liquid hot enough to burn leather would have caused major 3rd degree burns to her leg. At least be creative with your lies people! You aren't even challenging me anymore!!

Oh, on a lighter note, I just spoke with a lovely lady named Song Birdsing.